Joke : "Tenjewberrymuds"

Tenjewberrymuds

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes'
means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome.

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Joke : "Bloody Bat"

Bloody Bat

Bloodied, a young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn’t going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
“OK!” he said with exasperation, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

“Do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Cartoon: A Good Cure for Hiccups

A good cure for hiccups:














ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "20 New Management Styles"

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "I Didn't Pinch Her"

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "Company Party Announcement"

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. G*ys are allowed to sit with each other. L*sbians do not have to sit with the g*y men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the g*y men's table.

Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "S*tan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The B*tch from Hell

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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "Kids Are Kids"

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full-size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.

A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then he looked out at us and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "Russian Baby Learn Speak Russian"

Keith called his golfing partner to withdraw from their Tuesday night golf league.

His partner inquired why after many years would he resign.

"My wife and I are taking Russian lessons. The only available evening for both of us is Tuesday," Keith told him.

"Does this have anything to do with the little Russian baby you both have just adopted?" replied his partner.

"Yes it most certainly does," Keith replied, "We want to do everything right for this child and afford it every opportunity. So we're learning to speak Russian so when the child starts to talk we will understand what it says."

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "Doing Christmas Shopping Early"

The judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "Anger Management"

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this

is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so

I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, It is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole
#2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 11 News about the gang war going down on West
34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really works.

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "Your Mom And I Are Divorcing"

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,

"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "Wrong Number"

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end... a confused silence.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

CLICK

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Jokes: "Atheist Professor Wants Proof There Is God"

An atheist professor was teaching a college class when he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by.

He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released after a year of combat duty in Iraq, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God's a little busy watching over my buddies in Iraq; He sent me with His reply!!!!"

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the quotes, sayings, poems, speeches, stories, articles, jokes, thoughts, insights, or song lyrics forwarded to me

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was this important job to be done and everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure that somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that
because it was everybody's job. Everybody thought that anybody could do it,
but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when actually nobody asked anybody.

Another slightly different version:

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the jokes forwarded to me

Joke : "The Cowboy Who Lost His Horse"

One day, a cowboy went for a few rounds of beer at the saloon bar out in the wild west. When he was leaving, he realised that his horse is missing. Angrily, he stomped back into the saloon and shouted at the crowd inside:
"When I finished another few rounds of beer, my horse had better be back where it was when I came ... else I would be forced to do what I don't like to do!!!" There was total silence in the saloon.

After he had finished his beer, again, he walked outside and found his horse back where he tied it earlier. Feeling satisfied, he decided no harm to have a few more rounds of beer. So, he walked back into the saloon and sat down. The guy sitting next to him at the bar asked him, "So, what would you be forced to do if your horse is not back where it was when you first came?"
The cowboy answered, "Well, I would be forced to walk home!!!"

ps. thanks to CityHunterGatherer for the jokes forwarded to me